I have a large number of friends who do not have children. For some of them, this decision may be out of their control, but many of them have made a conscious decision not to have children, and I wanted to tell these people that you have made a big mistake. You need to know the number one reason to have children.

Slaves.

Do you know how many times I left the comfort of the couch the other night? Once. It was to go to the toilet, and if I could have forced my children to do this for me, too, I would have. Whenever I wanted something, I just timed it with one of my children’s visits to the kitchen, and they brought it to me like I was some kind of Persian queen.

Recently, the kids have become useful helpers. Not the ‘90%-slower-and-of-such-poor-quality-I-have-to-redo-everything-they-did-but-they-were-so-earnest-and-keen-to-help-I-had-to-let-them’ kind of helpers, but of ACTUAL, genuine help.

Here is one of our sons helping Peter with some paving recently (and making great use of time, practising his flexibility at the same time).

Here is another helping with the prep work for building our fence.

When I had a broken ankle, they were able to drive me around.

They can operate machinery, like dropsaws and nailguns.

We make them do the dangerous work we don’t want to do.

Only kidding.

They can chop wood, light fires, push wheelbarrows of fill, cook, wash up, clean dog hair off rugs, and hang washing on the line.

They are stronger than I am, taller than I am, can lift more and reach higher.

I now understand so clearly why children were so important in pioneering times, why the Ingalls adopted Albert, why Matthew and Marilla of Green Gables wanted a boy to help on the farm (but ended up with Anne instead). Ours are as good as having 2 extra adult helpers, except that they have to do everything we say and we don’t pay them.

You, too, my Child-free Friends, could have all that we have!

So what are you waiting for?*

*Disclaimer- Please note that in order to reach this stage of having your own personal Slaves, you must first undergo 12-14 years of the following: perform all personal care duties for these children, including all feeding, washing, bottom/nose/tear-wiping, lice management, endure years of sleep deprivation, watch hundred of hours of mind-numbing children’s TV, and spend years of pitting your will against the surprisingly strong wills of these Mini-People until you (hopefully) wear them into submission.

Please also note that even with this, there is no guarantee that these Mini-People will ever become Perfect Slaves.  It helps if you are socially isolated so that your Slaves are not distracted by neighbourhood friends, if they do not have their own TVs in their rooms because your power system cannot support this, and if there is no reasonable physical way off the property without the assistance of an adult who can (legally) drive.